How To Live With Your Spouse or Partner Without Fighting

“Fire and fire will bring about more fire” but “water puts out fire”. “If you want to live a good life without fighting with anyone, my child, just become water”. These were the wisdoms of my Great Grandmother when I was about 10 or 11 years old. Fighting in a marriage or relationship is common. Some are moderate but some others can be nasty. How do you avoid fighting with your wife, husband or partner in the first place?

Fights in marriages or relationships can take many forms: they may come in a form of shouting at each other. The two involved may be in a tense arguing. They may, if out of control, come to fists or become physical. But why do fights really happen between a husband and wife or relationship partners and how to avoid them? According to recent studies, there are many factors and some may be complex psychological factors. But the more common causes are:

• Lack of understanding one another.

• Withdrawal or lack of communication and

A combination of various issues and problems stemming from past experiences of any or both involved in the relationship or marriage.

Lack Of Understanding

As I often discuss and help my readers in my vlogs, I can never emphasize enough how important understanding one another is in a marriage or relationship. It is clear that no one can be 100% perfect in a relationship or marriage. So why not accept this fundamental truth?

 Understanding is the basic attitude that will prevent any potential fight or worse. Each spouse or partner comes with their own personality, feelings and habits. So if you do not try to understand that your wife, husband or partner is not perfect, just as much as you are not, you are likely to be in a relationship or marriage full of fights with your wife, husband or partner. But I know you do not want to be the source of conflicts. So using your understanding is the cure and even better, it is a preventative skill to have.

I read a story of a couple who had a bitter fight that later escalated into hatred and a divorce. The husband was working as a sales person, but business was far from rosy. Sales were few and far between. And everyday in the evening, the man was exhausted from chasing his elusive customers. So he would come back home late and worn out. He felt he was failing and was getting anxious. He would expect to be left alone everytime to unwind and reflect on all those disappointing results he was getting.

But his wife in the meantime was dealing with their child’s poor school results and wanted to fix that with his help. Unfortunately they could not be on the same tune. He felt he could just deal with his misfortune alone and by being quiet about it, soak up the pain and try again the next day. 

So when his wife told him about their child’s situation at school, the husband's response was: “Oh for f…k sake I am sick and tired about this b…t. Can’t you just leave me alone for a second to unwind? And to this his wife replied: You just do not care! Do you? And off the fight goes. They exchanged bitter words for a good while and ended up disgusted with each other, the wife choosing to sleep in the child’s bedroom while the husband slept in the living room. Soon afterwards, they filed for a divorce.

In this example, a simple lack of understanding brought about the worst. If only either the husband or wife used the wisdom of understanding, in the form of simple effective communication, a host of solutions could have presented the fight, let alone the divorce. 

In the same story, the husband used withdrawal. He probably believed that by keeping his work situation to himself, he would forget about it all, allowing him to unwind and recharge. As for his wife, the child’s situation was so important that she believed it should be prioritized. But kind words towards each other in the form of checking out on each other’s activities, well being, health and giving a little encouragement would have done the trick.

This would have not only brought relief, but it would have also proved how much they understood each other’s concerns and together they could have generated ideas towards the husband's issues as well as their child’s.

Past Experiences

I am revisiting this issue that plagues many marriages and relationships, because once it is solved, it can help each or both husband and wife or partner move on to a better form of marriage or relationship.

Past experiences in the form of unhappiness, disappointment, betrayal, being a victim of abuse or violence are all common issues that are brought into a marriage or relationships. They are brought back to life and shared with a wife, husband or partner or re-lived in the form of unconquered bad habits.

Any negative experience that you have had in the past should be buried in the past for good. As the saying goes: Let the dead bury the dead. 

Turn the page, you are now in the present and that is what matters. The past can only exist if you remember it. It is only a memory. It is not real anymore. So why experience it again? Or even worse, why share it with your wife, husband or partner? Surely you can presently bring out wonderful memories and share them. But it is best to create wonderful times now with your loved one, cherish it and expect even better times ahead.

In personal development, you can learn how important it is to acquire new good habits while shaking off any bad habits you may have. 

Bad habits carried forward into a marriage or relationship are one of the main reasons for fighting, conflicts and even divorce.

Bad habits are like dirty garments we wear. No one in their right mind wants to wear dirty garments to a new loved one, such as a wife, husband or partner.

Here are the most common bad habits carried into a marriage or relationship, to avoid at any cost:

Most Common Bad Habits

Ineffective communication skills

Cheating

Beating

Arguing

Carelessness

Personal Uncleanliness/ unhygienic

Greed

Selfishness, to name a few.

There are many self-help books that can help anyone develop good habits and improve their marriage or relationship: Atomic Habits by J. Clear, The Magic Of Thinking Big by Dr D. Maxwell, The Might Of The Right Now Moment by myself Alpha Wann, amongst others.

Living with your wife, husband or partner without fighting is possible. Some have done it in the past and very few are doing it today. Why not be amongst them? Why not be the exception.

In the words of the wise: Wisdom is rarer than emerald yet it is found amongst the women at the grindstone.